nearly a year

it's been nearly
a year
since the BLOGGING
began

I was nervous
all day
after that
first
fateful
POST

yea gads
someone will see
they will "read" me

they might even
comment
and say
"i suk"

(so far, no comments)
and I've earned about
a dollar, seventy five.

but the people who read
they're from all over...
the world...
-imagine that!

-maybe very bored-
or - lost on the internet-
whatever
-I want them to know
that I appreciate their visit-
I look at the numbers 
as they
climb dizzily into the
TRIPLE digits
(more than a hundred!)
yea gads!

but it's addictive
this computer writing stuff
a little like a crossword puzzle
only more fun
intuitive
creative
words
dancing around
chasing a meaning
puzzling out
something
worth seeing
worth commenting
on
maybe to share
an idea
a smile
an a-ha moment
we're all in this together
this life
and we'll all end up
going
the same place
(maybe different compartments
for different beliefs)
but we'll be there-
and on time

for once

Christmas List

Happy Christmas
to us all

They say
Christmas
will be sunny
and warm

I will go to the beach
and contemplate
the waves

I don't do enough
of that
I will put it on my
list

The one I make
every year

I wonder, if I find
a list from long ago
Will anything on it
have been done ?

Or was it all
just wishful thinking
-Gemini imagination-

-as I look at stacks
of papers...
there may be a list
in there...

I will certainly
put it on my list
-this year-
to make inroads...,
excursions...
into and among
the stacks
of papers

I wish someone else
could do it
Maybe Santa Claus
and all his reindeer
Maybe the elves

they could do the work
and leave me cookies!
that would be a good plan!
-I'll put it on my
list-

Evolution

Sitting on the back porch
     in the shade
Puzzling out
     a pomegranate

for this
     hands were made
I understand it now
    puzzling out
          each little seed
     breaking apart a puzzling matrix
          of pulp
yes
for this
hands were made

To have such a ruby, seedy,
     juicy thing
          in December
     Sweatshirt weather here
     -but still barefoot-
     a sweatshirt now stained
     with purple spots

Neighbor Cat
     comes to visit
     but turns the dusty black nose up
          at pomegranate seeds

Therefore
     CATS
don't have hands
     and
That's probably
     a good thing
as far as
household integrity
     is concerned
(not that my house
     has a lot
     of that)

The evolution
     of the species
Created
     from
          Adam and Eve

Are we evolving?
     -are we still fighting ?
          -overpopulating?

I contemplate
     As I sit here
          monkey-like
     dealing with
          sweet seeds 

what

• what 
• am I doing 
• here
• I 
• ask myself 

this whole thing 

about living... 

waiting 

where do we go next? 

and 

how do we prepare? 

everyone has answers 

if we only can 

believe 

money- 

faith- 

running around- 

and 

doing things! 

-old enough to know the 

meaninglessness 

the 

angst 

but still 

having the faith 

that it is 

"meant to be" 

or 

it wouldn't be 

God 

wants it this way 

or 

She would change it 

the spark of joy within 

where is it 

where did it go 

i'd 

better go find it 

because I 

miss it 

when it's gone 

apres

been there
done that
back home now
now is the time
to pay for it all

occupy Wall Street
I am with you

now the bill is coming due
and the property taxes too

they never leave us alone
never let us settle

never let us own anything
and even if we think we do
the feds charge rent
just like landlords too

and now after a journey
I push the door open
against the stacks of bills
and junk mail there
on the floor

and he
is still here
and misbehaving
I need an occupy demonstration
to straighten
out my relationship
I can only run so far
so long
and then something

   must be done

retreat

it's raining today
at the retreat
it's so sweet
for a city kid
to hear rain
   coming down
   through tall trees
   really tall pines

earlier...
herds of wild turkeys
walking the meadow
like small grazing dinosaurs
in the Jurassic

the people here
have left the world
for good

still they go into town
   sometimes
some of the old timers think
   it really ruined the place
   when they got electricity
   and paved the roads

some folks think they're crazy
some think it's cult-like
I come up here
   not to think
and to leave the cult of
   TV and fast food and freeways
for awhile

God and Goddess bless them
for providing a place for peace
a place to look within
a place to access the eternal stream
of energy, light, and bliss
and joy
:-)

retreat

lots of planning
goes into
leaving

leaving
in order to
retreat

no one understands
why
i
do this

why not go someplace
     exciting
they say
why not
     take
     me ????

it's the trees
     you see
and the space
and the time-
     time
     not to speak
     not to think
or
     to speak and think
of God
     while walking
     among trees

it is difficult
to explain
even
to me

there's something about
being among
ones own kind
people who believe
that God is real
and can be seen
people who speak ones own language
people trying to see
trying to connect
trying to find
their own hearts
and their connection
with the larger heart of God

it's not so easy sometimes
it's not really like a vacation
     -with fine wine and windsurfing-
it's more like diving deep
     within
to find
     -what's in there- 

live and learn

you'd think
I'd know by now. . .
    What?

    lots of stuff
  
zen says I should
    know less and less
each day

the Tao of
    not much

trying to simplify
    in this country
is like trying to
    comb your hair
    in the wind

it should be easy
    but it's not

not only is there lots
    of stuff-
    and things

but lots of emotions
    and ideas and opinions
which need to be cleared
out
of the attic
of the mind

the mind
it is a tricky thing
it locks the door sometimes
the attic door of the mind

sort of like hoarders
only mental
-very mental

and emotions
don't even get me started
with that

where is my zen
the zen of the broom
the sweeping motion
of the truly enlightened
that is what is needed here...

72 virgins

We are all in this together

Someday

We all will 

die

Why fill this

time 

with hatred and war 

Why not fill it

with

Joy

Why not study 

this

in preparation for 

Living the rest of our days

here

upon the ground 

before we 

learn to fly 

Which we have been promised 

by so many 

great religions 

and the keys to the 

Great Gate

In The Sky 

and 

the 72 Virgins. . . 

It will be so 

MUCH FUN!

We can

make several

softball teams 

Maybe there will be horses 

and we can ride 

in a great group together 

and my favorite horse 

will be there 

-and all the dogs and cats 

(and cars)

I've ever had

Forget the ex-boyfriends

OK?

We're all Virgins 

-by the way-

never knowing heartbreak 

or 

intimidation 

Able to ride 

bareback at a gallop 

through green pastures 

with no 

stinky boys 

throwing rocks

or firecrackers 

No word of maturity 

no babies 

no swelling up 

and giving birth 

HEY

it all ends 

right here 

-a quarter horse 

and 72 girlfriends 

to giggle with

and laugh 

and twitter 

our time 

away

freedom

it is so important
    this
the ability to be
who I am
where I am
-in my own time
-my own place

freedom

it is a treasure
a pearl of great price

some friends don't understand
they want you to be tied up
     like they are

how dare you be free
     (maybe it scares them)

it is also a mental thing
     maybe that's the hardest part

freedom from my own programming
which was done by
Machiavellian people
They tried to turn me into some sort of
Machine
which they could control
ok
I'm not so opposed to this
but now I have a little time
to be myself
to find myself
whatever they have left me
after their try at TOTAL control

slipping through the cracks in their reality
not believing absolutely everything
looking at believing
as a questionable activity
based on centuries of civilization

how can we even begin
to think that we are free

but isn't that what this place
America
is all about
anyway ?

Prince and Princess

Prince and Princess
and Santa Barbara Swami

The day after
The Prince and Princess
    were here

I pass by
the polo grounds
on my way to the
Santa Barbara Swami's
birthday party
-90 years old today-

Signs are still up
    at the Polo Place
No Parking here
No Parking there
No Parking anywhere
    -for the unrich
    -the uninitiated
    -the hoi polloi
         (from Greek; the many--
         the common people, the masses)
               that's me

I drive slowly
past the open gate
carefully avoiding
Sunday bicyclists
-ten speeds and tight pants-
ok

driving slowly
I look through the open gate
Pavilions are still up
    with flowing white curtains
        tied up
Maybe a little royalty
    still
    lingers in the air
If I had known
I could have been there
The cheap seats
    weren't that much
I could have
    dug a dress
    out of the back of the closet
    and worn a thrift store hat
I can
    behave myself
    when I must
I do like tea
    and mother's side
    was British
         -after all

These two
young ones
whose lives
are so subject to scrutiny
(I'm not good with scrutiny)
I much prefer
to meditate
in quiet, cool places
To go on Pilgrimages
-in California-
-to stay in places
with good food
and air conditioning
I find it helps
the contemplation
Which, it turns out,
is difficult enough.
The ego must be dealt with
It is a poker game
She doesn't want
to give it up
(doesn't know when to fold 'em)
-does not want
to be
   silent
        still
-but everyone else is. . .
subject of the lecture today,
Spiritual Discipline
-uh-oh-
On one level
I am in so-o-o-o much
    trouble

People give their lives to things
Royalty or Spirituality
or maybe both

I question myself;
    What have I
    given my life to. . .
Sometimes it seems we have no choice
--taxes, work, and bad relationships--
They say it's all for learning
All a great school
-I wasn't the greatest fan
    of school-
Passing periods and lunch
    were fun
    sort of
-but I never understood
-why so early
-every-day??
    I could have done
    with Cliff Notes-
    I get the concept
    Park the Kids
    Get them ready
    To be workers
     "twenty years of schooling
     and they put you on the day shift"
     to quote the old Bob Dylan record...

But I digress
we all dedicate our lives
to the path of our own lives
-even the worst addict
only wants
happiness,
bliss, and
sweet release

we are all
wanderers in search of
sweetness...

    and it's there
    so close inside
    just beyond the barrier
    of mind
    of opinion
    of me

It is said;
"the perfect way
is not difficult
for those who
hold no preferences"
those were the jokesters
of old
the ones who
walked on air

even though
the air is
everywhere

it is only for us
to remember
its
presence
here
    

balance

It's a question of balance 

this meditation, contemplation thing

how far into the abyss do you dare to go 

how much of yourself 

can you let go

how much of this bliss 

are you willing to become 

and then the fussing baby 

in the mission church 

and then the tourist with the camera

and the children 

our heart agrees to let them all in 

the example

that we have 

of the candles 

and the christ

and i sit 

and the people come and go 

the Mary Statue 

is a great inspiration to me 

the balance on the head of a pin 

the razor's edge 

as thoughts come in 

and come and go 

i don't own them 

they don't own me 

the peace, the space 

is more important 

to me now 

what is the answer 

who asks the question 

the balance 

of a surfer on a wave 

the expansion 

the peaceful, blissful communion 

i want to stay forever 

the body can only sit so long 

thank you to the indians who built this place 

this place of peace 

on a busy street 

and the belief of the people 

that keeps the doors open 

for a stranger to 

come in 

to sit 

to sit in peace  

Waiting

Waiting. In a doctors office
is a different kind of waiting
will i be ok?
Will this be serious
will it either kill me
or bankrupt me
is it. Cancer
will there be an operation
Why are bodies so delicate
Why are they not like rocks. ?
Strong and granite-like
aging slowly
watching the mountains move around them
left by glaciers
wearing lichen

it's times like this that the phrase
God's will comes to mind

and where is that darn doctor
at least i've got clothes on
this time

Road Trip

Road Trip
this trip
     Giant Sequoias
     and beyond
I'm getting too old
     for this
Myself tells Myself

Sitting in a car
     for a long time
Hiking about
     hurts worse
     than it used to

But the sights
     are more
     delicious now
     somehow

John Muir
     and I
Commune
     with trees
     and sky
     and clouds

The clouds drift through
     the giants-
as tour buses
     come and go

Silence - magic -
     Jurassic-
        dinosaur-
           giant
              trees

and the crowds
     of foreigners
        speaking in tongues

and then a busload
     of modern children
     Who wouldn't
        recognize
           reverence
if it got up in "they" face
and flashed a gang sign

and I with my
peanut butter sandwich
find a stream
to sit by

remembering
why
     I came

The End of the World Today

The world is going to end 

@ 6:00 o'clock today 

Maybe i should run around 

and get things done 

Frantically-

Maybe I should pray

-Unceasingly 

But 

Surprisingly,

my reaction is more like, 

"Well that'll be a relief."

finally one can stop trying-

-stop trying to hold one's end up 

-hold one's head up 

-have good posture 

and eat your vegetables 

And 

it's going to end in fire 

-in earthquake and complete 

destruction! 

this 

is a huge relief for me- 

Because 

it won't matter 

if the kitchen floor 

is clean... 

The kitchen floor 

will be no more- 

its asbestos tiles 

consumed 

in the fires 

from which 

they came 

I'm going to relish the day-

my few remaining hours 

5 to be precise. 

I will party like there's no tomorrow 

or maybe take a nap 

definitely there's an excuse 

in there somewhere 

to have an ice cream 

after all 

It's the END OF THE WORLD !!!

today 

old man band

Tonight
as day turns into darkness

i try to type with my thumbss
on my phone
beam me up scotty
what has the world come to

the old man band is playing loud down the way
screaming like there's no tomorrow
and they were young once
and they'll prove it to you now

turn up those ampS boyz and scream a little louder
never imagining that you have neighbors
or that peaceful contemplation
is the zen way
for this
god made earplugs, grasshopper,
They never had this trouble in ancient China-
--but I'm sure they had others--
probably worse-- . . . 

hedges

hedges are good
for keeping out the prying eyes

hedges are bad
because they grow
taking over sidewalk
and walkways

hedges are fun
when the day is warm
      (but not too)
and I can attack
with an arsenal of weapons
clippers and rakes and
     artistic renderings
should I clip
     this one here?
or
     that one-
     there?

what fool ever planted these
I contemplate
as I tire-
as I slow down-
as I leave a giant pile of branches
     behind me

they will be seen to later-
it will take some time
  -drag them to the back
  -arrange them in the can
  -which is no longer a can
but a giant plastic thing

and now,  as the sun goes down,
I am tired, but with a sense of
accomplishment.
I am still able
I am still strong
The hedges I planted
   as little things
and nurtured and encouraged
Are now threatening to overtake me
as I grow older

We are now
at a point of balance
-my strength
and
-their spring-time vigor

but I know the clock keeps ticking
-going round and round
sun rising and setting

For God's sake
     I'm going to be 60!
What happens then
What happens when
The puny 80 year old lady
is found
face down
impaled upon her
pruning shears
call NCIS!
even though I am not a Marine
maybe they can investigate
this crime-
this crime - OF TIME !

unimaginable (tsunami)

unimaginable dark water 

covering zen friends

i am hurt by this 

this should not be 

i cannot believe 

   -in karma

   -or anything 

I want them to be 

   alright 

I want them to be 

   happy  again 

I don't want the dark water 

to carry 

anyone away

i know our time will come 

south california is only waiting

 

there is always something - somewhere - 

   happening

but still 

it hurts so much

sometimes

sometimes
it seems like we get lost
at least
I do
I forget what's important
and am too upset
over little things
upset
driven crazy
not knowing what to do

why

did this life
not come with an
instruction booklet
something that would
say
which button to push
and when
to push it
which
setting to set
and how to set it

but
then
it would probably have been
a bad translation
like those pieces of furniture
I have endeavored to put together
tab A going here
and B is lost somewhere
under the couch
and the cat is sitting on the directions
and the dog ran away with the spoon
it's been that kind of a day
it's been that kind of a life
and I am not apologizing
anymore-
past caring-
doing my best
going to be 60
yea gads!

let's go watch the news
that'll help

a book

yesterday
i sat
in the cyber cafe
reading a book
an old book
at that

I felt
old
i am old
but more than that
everyone around me was
working on expensive machines
this book cost $.50 at a garage sale
my latte cost more than my book
not only old
but cheap

and proud of it 

today

Today has been
just
one of those
days...
lack of inspiration
flat-
dead-

but, I remind myself that,
things "could be worse"
could be
a lot worse

I remember
to remind myself
to count my blessings
to give thanks
for the basics
the food, the clothing, the shelter
the fact that i live in a country which
tries to give women their rights and privileges
-which does not dictate what we wear-

we can wear jeans - for instance -
    fit for all occasions
    old jeans for gardening
    newer ones for daily wear
    cut-offs, calf length for beach walking

I should be so lucky to live in this country
--near the beach
I am ashamed to complain
about less than perfect weather
in January

zen flowers

just trying this new thing
blogging
writing
for other people to maybe see

in the dead of winter
a few flowers are still trying ...
braving the biting winds
and bitter cold

relatively speaking

this is,
after all,
south california